Sitting around and Doing Nothing

 I’m sure it’s not a good thing to just sit around doing nothing. But what does it mean that it is not a good thing? Just as we attribute reasons and explanations to justify what we view as virtue and sin, there must be some reason that makes idleness an unhealthy and counterproductive behavior.

The reason I choose to focus on this particular action, and give it its own section is in large part due to the fact that this is something that I have found my struggling with over the years, sometimes more than others, some periods to a larger extent than others. Idleness, extended and uncontrolled leisure, and lazy pleasure-seeking has been an action that, in my life, has often resulted in feeling of guilt and deep dissatisfaction with my life.

In this section, I want to explore an example of when such a behavior has come up in my life, what causes me to do it, how it affects me in the short run, and my attitudes toward it in the long run. Like any other sin, there is a short-term gratification that pulls me to the act of procrastinating and indulging in laziness. Whether it be watching a YouTube video instead of doing homework, playing chess instead of studying, or, lazing around over the course of the day, the act of idleness and doing things that feel good, or, at least don’t hurt as much, provides some immediate sense of distraction.

I’ll use today’s day as an example, as it was a rather unproductive day. It was not a completely unproductive day, as I managed to get in a couple hours of work in. But, nonetheless, it was rife with instances of me shirking or putting of the responsibility I set for myself. Here are the things I didn’t do: didn’t finish my math notes, didn’t finish my evening exercise, didn’t play the piano earlier in the day. Here are the things (which I regret, or at least which leave an unpalatable taste in my mouth) that I did do: 1) play chess during the time during which I told myself I would study 2) watch YouTube for at least an hour or two.

My point in listing these items is not to elicit self-pity, nor is it to convince myself that I am a good-for-nothing moron who lazes around all day (which I don’t believe myself to be, and think that I should resist heavily if I feel myself beginning to make this conclusion). I know that I’ve had perfectly productive days. But, today, was in some sense a failure. I did finish several tasks, and helped my mom in the evening. But, I have a definitive reason to claim that I have failed. I failed to resist against the hedonistic part of my brain that wanted me to avoid my work, such as by playing chess and watching YouTube. And, I am feeling a sense of regret, though I know not whether it is too high or too low. Nor do I know whether the expected differential between the satisfaction in a day of focus and maintained self-discipline and the satisfaction in a day like today is high enough to inhibit me from repeating these mistakes in the future.

However, I do believe that there is a virtuous pull, the allure of making great achievements and pleasing myself, increasing my knowledge, and making me a smarter person than I was yesterday. And, I have a belief that my brain has the capacity to achieve great feats if I enter a state of intense focus and self-discipline, which would inevitably take an amount of sacrifice and suffering that I believe to be proportional to the reward it begets. In other words, I feel that I can be driven by the greatness and glory of accomplishments that can be achieved by forsaking tthe lifestyle of idleness.

Secondly, I am repelled from engaging in idle behavior by a complementary fear of its consequences. If I fail to discipline myself to the degree that I can push myself to accomplish regular goals and make daily progress, then the resulting scenario would be cataclysmic for me, because, as Dr. Peterson says, it takes effort to keep the chaos that continues to enter our lives. And, having experienced a state of mildly dreadful emptiness that results from a lack of interest, a lack of goals, a lack of challenges in my life, I am fearful that my failure to accept responsibility into my life would by just as horrible as a life driven by an equal amount of success in accepting responsibililty is pleasant.

I believe that such reflection is not, as some of my friends would say, my being excessively hard on myself. However, nor do I feel that I am letting myself go without maintaining discipline. I hope that my reflection is enough to make myself a better person than I was yesterday, and, while I understand that it is perhaps unreasonable to expect myself to not procrastinate again, I hope to become more strong-hearted tomorrow than I was today so that if I were ever placed in a like situation as I was today, I would accept my responsibility, and be driven towards my goals enough undertake the temporary pain in working towards these daily goals that I, in some sense, failed to do today.