Punishment

 Punishment is dreaded, but without it, we are doomed. I believe, and feel that it is commonly accepted, that there are certain courses of action that are commonly accepted as proper, or good, while others are generally regarded as bad. While I feel that there is certainly room for debate over whether a certain action is to be regarded as virtuous, such as whether it is justfiied to issue someone the death penalty for a serious crime or felony, thereby punishing the person by depriving them of the ability (I won’t call it right, because whether is a right or not is the very issue at question).

However, at a basic level, humanity has come to agree on the morality of certain concepts, and the immorality of others. For example, society condemns psychopathic behavior, and likewise does not hold much sympathy for rapists, from what I have observed. Interestingly, I feel that these issues are volatile, and that we must take a stance on a particular issue, as to whether or not it is worthy of punishment.

Nonetheless, before returning to this issue, having established for the purpose of this section that punishment is a repercussion of the actions that we take, intended to reduce the frequency of that behavior, I’d like to discuss the effect of punishment upon the individual being punished, whether it be by one’s parents, teachers, and at times siblings, friends, and even society.

To say that punishment feels bad would be a platitude. What is uncertain, and not fixed in my mind, however, is the true motives behind punishment, whether it comes from a standpoint of affection or anger, the necessity of punishment in our lives, and the point at which it becomes to be more burdensome than truly helpful.

If we subscribe to the idea that humans are at times incapable of acting in their long-term self-interest, I feel that punishment serves as one means of keeping their lives on track so to speak--an action that, though perhaps carried grudgingly, and at times without acknowledgement of its benefits, the act of punishment, particularly if it comes with humiliation, comes with the opportunity of meditation upon one’s actions, and the formation of an attitude towards that action that would make that punished action less likely to be repeated in the future by the actor.

I myself, have been punished many times, as I feel any growing youth should, and have responded to the punishment in a variety of ways, including 1) with humiliation - if a particularly embarassing or secretive action which I know to be culpable has been caught 2) angrily - where I begin to feel indignation and hatred towards my punisher or a scapegoat for my emotions (an urge to slap is not uncommon) 3) with grief - when tears begin to flow, and I fantasize about my suffering and pain, and finally 4) meditative calmness - when I have rid my mind of most strong emotion, forgiven my punisher, and often constructed a plan for how to move forward.

After I emerge from these phases, such as the next day following an emotionally rough day or two, I often begin to experience a high level of focus, and uncover new feelings of motivation. For example, I was recently punished by my father, who admonished my eating habits in the morning while I was exercising. (I must say that the punishment itself arose rather unexpectedly, as I had thought that my eating habits which had been a matter of concern 4-6 weeks earlier, had been resolved) The incident itself was humiliating, and, yes, it did make me cry. At first, after my first outburst and riddance of the negative emotion immediately following my surprise, humiliation, and offense, I made a resolve to not think too much about it, and proceed with my planned activities as normal.

Later that evening, during the day’s second session of exercise, I felt a great sense of anger, and expressed this mostly by throwing things, slamming and punching walls, fences, and pipes (not unlike a toddler would respond, now that I reflect). When I think back to what I learned from that day, I feel that the answer is a less straightforward than it would have been had the immediate cause of punishment been immediately clear to me.

Having, shortly after, been spoken to by my father, hearing that he had lashed out on me in anger, and receiving encouraging words from him (even before my anger outburst that evening), I could not undo the negative emotion that had arose within me from that point, but I did observe a heightened sense of drive and meaning within myself, localized to the next several hours. My day had been made more difficult by my emotional fluctuation, and perhaps my focus had been perturbed. However, because of this very difficulty in accomplishing tasks that were ordinarily mundane, I feel that I had internally ascribed a greater value just to that days’ tasks, and getting past that tough day meant more to me than it would have without the metaphorical catastrophic avalanche headed my way.

I observed a sense of bliss within myself on the next day. While I cannot say so for sure, I feel it had something to do with the past day’s events, and was the complement of the intense tribulation that I had endured, a reward that I had given myself. All in all, the lesson I took away from my verbal punishment was a recognition of the beauty that came to me because of my suffering, as well as the affirmation that, hey, life is tough sometimes.

There have been other occasions when I have felt that the reason behind my punishment I received was unjustified, even stupid. On one occassion, I had held up my hands during a Physics lab to use the restroom, and heard my teacher say “Go ahead” or something of the sort. Upon returning, I was taken outside the classroom, and reprimanded for allegedly leaving the class without asking. Upon hearing my recounting of events, and my claim that I had indeed asked for leave, he replied “I don’t remember that happening”. (I didn’t feel very confused, as I had suspected, but felt humiliated and somewhat embarassed that I had been called out on violating the class rules, as well as potentially suspected of lying to the teacher.) With over 2 years elapsed since the incident, I believe the main long-term value I can claim to have taken from that incident is a treasued memory of the difficulty I had in stopping my tears for the remainder of the class, as well as a pride in myself for making it past that difficult event.

This is not to say that I have not been punished for good cause, which I have in great abundance--for behaving rudely with parents, for accidentally taking a final home and realizing the next day rather than turning it in, for cheating on a test, for accidentally missing the bus, causing my parents to have to pick me up from school directly, rather than the station (though my action of missing the bus was not intentional, I feel that the punishment was still warranted and meaningful, as it encouraged me to exercise a greater sense of caution for boarding the bus in a timely manner), for hitting my brother, for playing outside when my mom wished me to stay home and not returning home on time, for accidentally pressing the off switch on a shared computer twice in a row (the off switch was located near the floor, for the computer was a desktop, and pressed by my toe on both occassions, the first of which did not cause me to rectify my posture in such a manner that would place a greater distance between my toe and the off switch), and for recklessly breaking a glass candle holder in a shop once (probably before I was 5), to name a few.

All of these experiences have had the effect of, to some extent, humiliating me, humbling me, reminding me of the risks associated with the action I had taken, providing me vivid childhood memories, and balancing the unbounded joy, laughs, and fun that made up my childhood with discipline.