Do we have too many or too few choices?

 A recent discussion with my parents sparked a thought within my head. We were talking about the issue of marriage, and my parents were expressing some tentative plans for arranging my marriage or allowing me to do so on my own.

The issue of marriage, if handled by others, would be one fewer life decision I would make. It would suggest therefore, that while I had a lower degree of freedom in my life, a somewhat large burden would be removed off my shoulders and that I would also be practically guaranteed familial and social approval.

This seems like an age-old dilemma. The issue of parental involvement in relationship decisions. When there is such parental involvement, there can sometimes be tension between the child and parent, if the child does not wish to marry the proposed individual. There can also be a smoother process of marriage, greater support by the family, an established line of support, and perhaps best of all, approval. Approval, I suppose, is much less likely if the partner is chosen or proposed by the child as opposed to by the parents, and tensions would be more likely higher.

During this discussion, I realized that I had a decision to make. While my parents were sharing their hopes for what my marriage would look like, I could either remain silent, which they were probably expecting, and implicitly approve of and follow their plans for myself. On the other hand, I could stand up and resist against their plans, which they were also probably expecting.

Parents are likely well aware that by talking about their children’s marriage plans, they are making a decision that would determine a large part of the child’s life through adulthood. And yet, their decision, not just as one set of parents, but as the societal archetype of Indian parents, to express such a degree of enthusiasm and eagerness for the plans of my future, likely means that they think it is best for the child not to make this decision.

And I think there is a reasonable argument that can be made from both ends, regarding whether or not (and to what extent) parents should be involved in their children’s lives and relationships. Western attitudes seem to favor the latter, a more hands-off approach where the child is entrusted with (hopefully), or at least delegated the responsibility of choosing whether they would marry, and if so, who their spouse would be.

The bottom line is this--there are scenarios in which we either make a decision, or the decision is given to us. I have experienced both scenarios in various periods of my life. Two examples come to mind--the first of which was one in which I had a VAST control over my life; and that was in the summer of 2020, when I mostly worked on my Konect project with my friends. The latter was when my diet was heavily influenced, at least for a period of a few weeks, by my parents, who felt that my food intake was not satisfactorily high. My brief period of reflection has left me with two lingering thoughts--the first being that having too many decisions can be burdensome in its own right.

For example, I thought of a dilemma I would potentially face, and have faced to a small degree, when having to decide my college classes. Should I take many harder classes or few easy classes? The former decision would challenge me but would also remove some degree of freedom from my life. For example, roughly a week and a half ago, I realized that the amount of schoolwork I had this quarter (a busy one indeed) would require that I either choose where I spent my time--mostly divided between chess and schoolwork. I made the decision to drop chess for these past 10 days, as I felt this was the correct to make during my midterm week. At the same time, if I had chosen easier classes, I would have likely had more time to dedicate to chess. My ultimate decision (which I uphold) to challenge myself with more classes came out of a mixture of gut feeling as well as a sense that I could present myself with more hardships and use them as learning opportunities, and a strange sense of welcoming to challenge as if I were eager to contend with the upcoming difficulties the new quarter (which is quite short, only 10 weeks), would bring with it. There is a sense of regret and lack of satisfaction with oneself that is left behind by making a decision one knows not to be the best for oneself.

The second thought is that there is such a thing as overkill mode. The feeling of being burnt out, and exhausting one’s resources for studying and working in too short a period. Taking 7 classes a quarter (I don’t actually think this is possible)? And for what? One’s zeal and willingness to take on responsibility and work should be in proportion to the importance they ascribe to the goal they are working towards.

To boil my thoughts down, I’ve been reckoning with the idea of choices we make in our life that affect our responsibility, lives and interpersonal relationships, and how they deal with our personal virtues.