Recovering from Mistakes

 When I willingly give in to temptation or fail to uphold self-discipline, I feel bad. I feel ashamed of myself, and regret the fact that I did not take the straight and narrow path that is not only virtuous, but one that would keep me away from despair.

I feel that it is a common trait of most humans to, at times, feel bad about oneself, or to express shame upon taking actions that lead to one's downfall, or contribute to the worsening of their habit. I also feel that by taking the care to avoid such actions, one achives a positive state of mind, one that is largely free of anxiety, and more abundant in feelings of satisfaction and contentment of substance in one's character.

Nonetheless, I have often found myself encountering this feelign of shame or regret, and am certain that it would never disappear from my life in its entirety, though I should certainly try to limit its effect, and to decide to make the best decisions I can.

Therefore, in this section, I shall aim to discuss some effects of yielding to temptations and not following the difficult, but virtuous path. First, over time, the habit of giving into temptation and not following one's conscience can be detrimental over time, and lead to the development of bad habits or addiction, skew one's attitude towards life (such as by making someone upset toward the world at large, and feeling that one should expect something out of one's actions), and to a worsening of one's personality traits (such as a resulting weakness of heart, and subsequently an even greater struggle to overcome struggles and difficulties that once appeared commonplace, such as bringing oneself to wake up in the morning and take a shower, even if the act of taking a shower knowing that one can only expect cold water is slightly distasteful). The metaphorical heart becomes accustomed to "having things its own way" and not having to overcome much struggle to achieve its reward. From what I know about alcoholism, it is this downward spiraling rabbit hole that leads to a continual weaking of heart in the heart of alcohlics, as well as an increasing dependence on the toxic beverage.

So, what is the solution? I shall now express my thoughts on the proper way of overcoming such a chain of actions, using an example from my own life. When I make a bad decision, such as by yielding to a temptation, I feel bad shortly after, and a feeling of regret comes over me. I realize that to atone for this decision, my own mind, if not the world around me, will punish me, and I will have to endure an ordeal on account of the resulting disorder brought upon in my life as a consequence of making that decision. One such example that is relevant to my life is that of playing bullet chess. From time to time, I indulge in a bad habit of playing an exorbitant amount of bullet chess for an hour or more, one that makes my mind weary, and the realization of which action compels me to think of all the better things I could have been doing that would be much more meaningful, though not necessarily (and probably not) easier or more expedient, and thus regret my actions. The reason that the action of playing bullet chess for a long time, in this instance, marks the beginning of the downward circle is, in my opinion, the shame that comes along with the decision to play chess. I feel envy towards the person I would have been had I decided to get a headstart on the chemistry notes for the next day lecture, rather than straggle behind during the lecture itself the next day.

This feeling of shame and envy also makes it more difficult for me to discipline myself by at once putting my head down and working--I realize that if I were to begin my work now, the suffering I would endure is compounded, as it would include not only the inherent difficulty of the work itself, but it would also come with the additional burden of my state of mind, which is already somewhat ridden with shame at my actions. At this point the best decision (meaning the decision that, in the long run, would be safest and most meaningful--though still not expedient) would be to recognize that the best way out of this mess is to put my head down and endure the struggle of pulling myself of the hole that I dug myself into by playing chess. But no, my heart is dreadful of this struggle, and fears the feelings of stress, sadness, or anger that may accompany it; the heart chooses to keep digging, so that it does not have to endure the struggle. This begins the series of a chain of events that keep pulling one pulling one lower and lower, making one increasingly shameful of oneself, and fearing the inevitable work more and more. Eventually, the wrong actions catch up to oneself, and the realization strikes that one must choose to either immediately accept the struggle and begin to endure it (which is the noble path) or to once again ignore it, and continue along a path that is now obviously and severely going to impair oneself in the near future. For example, this might be the realization at 10pm the night before a test that continuing to watch YouTube is no longer an option, let alone study, due to the certainty of significantly hampering one's performance the next day due to limited sleep.

The bottom line is that in such situations, after the first time you screw up, whether intentionally or not, whether justified or not, the struggle is inevitable. The lesson I've learned, and continue to learn, is that the best and most noble decision is to make an effort to help oneself as if one's friend were to help oneself, to realize that the easiest route out of the hole is to immediately make an effort to get out, and to care for oneself while enduring the struggle that is inherent to recovering from a mistake.