Anger

 Anger is an interesting emotion because it feels like a negative emotion, but nevertheless sometimes seems to provide a sense of relief upon indulging in it. Today I had a brief experience with anger, which I hope to describe in this section and relate it to broader ideas.

The situation was when my brother was yelling. After yelling at him to stop a few times, he yelled “No.” which seemed to anger me to a great degree. I’m not sure exactly why I felt that way. Perhaps it was an instinctive and base emotion, a discontentment and rage that arose from my failed attempt to achieve dominance. I can say with confidence that it didn’t so much matter what the scenario was or what my brother was doing--it only mattered that he was not adhering to my wishes, he was engaging in behavior that provoked me (i.e. yelling), and that I was provoked by his actions.

I ran downstairs and lifted him and put him on the floor and kicked him a few times, spat on him before leaving. By this time, my mom silently left upstairs, and my dad came downstairs. When this happened, I also left upstairs and resumed my work.

The aftermath of the incident was characterized by regret and guilt. This psychological pain was somewhat mirrored in a pain I experienced in my left pinky toe (which I didn’t notice until returning upstairs in heavy breath), likely a remnant of the scuffle that had just ensued. I felt guilty on account of the fact that I was impulsive and engaged in violent behavior, the outcome of which could have been potentially worse (for example, my brother has dislocated his shoulder after he fell while we were playing, which led to us having to go the doctor’s office for the remainder of the evening)

I wasn’t punished for this behavior by my parents, and things felt normal shortly after. My brother was sent to his room, my parents continued with their day, and I shortly after asked my mom for help on a problem. However, there are two things about the event that scare me somewhat. The first is the possibility that the scenario turns out worse. If my brother had also fought back (which he didn’t do much of this time), it’s possible that one of us could have gotten hurt, or at minimum, a silent punishment by my parents at their dislike of my action to provoke violence. I think this is a factor that would deter me from such action in the future.

Second thing that scares me is the pattern of acting rashly and impulsively, particularly upon the emotion of anger. The consequences of this would be a lifestyle significantly risker not only for my emotional stability for the near future of such events, but also on my confidence that I can handle a tense situation without resorting to the animalistic solution of violence.

So, it is fear that arises from my thinking about such scenarios. So, what could I have done differently, and how will this event shape my future decisions? I’m well aware that I’m growing older, and need to begin accepting and upholding more responsibility in my life. I feel currently, that this behavioral attribute is one facet of self-improvement that I need to work towards, in order to become a better person, and in order to better manage the responsibility that is either undertaken by me, or thrust upon me.

The last idea I’d like to discuss in this section is that of explaining my mindset, and my decision to run down the stairs and to provoke violence with my brother. First reason is the mutual tension and mild wrath that I felt towards him, and that he evidently felt towards me. If we were rams, I’m pretty sure we would have gotten into a fight (scary to think that some of such fights last to the death). By acting on my impulses and releasing my anger, maybe I felt that it would relieve some of the discontentment and aforementioned rage that had arisen in me, upon hearing my brother’s yells. In such a situation, as I was running down the stairs, I remember even consciously doubting my decision to initiate violence, without knowing the outcome, but being plenty aware of the risks. Yet, perhaps I didn’t adequately control the intense desire within me to unlock it.

I feel that such an emotion like anger should not be acted upon by impulse, because of the risk and damage it does to the mindset, as well as to habits of self-control and discipline. Given that these are goals in my life, I think that I’ve made an important realization regarding acting upon anger.